ATTN: City of Baltimore

An open letter to the higher-ups that run this fair city of ours...

Dear Sirs or Madams,

The following things are not cool:

#1: Suddenly deciding, with no warning whatsoever, that certain parking spaces on a particular city street-- which were formerly fair game for parking-- are suddenly off limits during specific but unclearly denoted times of day.

#2: Attempting to convey this policy through a series of hastily built signs that give conflicting information, point in no particular direction, and, for all I know, might have been put up after I'd already parked my car on said street.

#3: Upon discovering a car in (unbeknownst) violation of this policy, deciding not to merely give the offender a ticket, but to TOW THE DAMN CAR AWAY.

#4: Repeatedly insisting, when called at the impound lot by a befuddled driver, that you have no record of the car being towed, only to change your story after the owner has reported the car as stolen, thus wasting our time and the police's. No really, guys, I'm sure the cops had nothing better to do. There's never any crime in Baltimore.

#5: Charging an exorbitant amount of money to retrieve said car from impound.

Sirs or Madams, your kind example has inspired me to concoct my own policy. I call it the "Pauls Only" rule. At any given moment during the day, as I'm strolling along, I will suddenly declare (by loudly shouting "Pauls Only!") that anyone in the vicinity not named Paul is prohibited from walking on that sidewalk. If they were already on the sidewalk-- too bad! They're in violation! And if they protest that they were given no fair warning, I'll say, "Ah, but look, see where I scrawled the letter 'P' in chalk right here in the corner? How could I have possibly made the rule any clearer?" I will then demand that each offender pay me $300 before they may continue walking. And I'll glare at 'em, like, Yeah, I bet you learned your lesson, didn't you?

Tough but fair. It's city living, folks. Deal with it.