An open letter to the higher-ups that run this fair city of ours...
Dear Sirs or Madams,
The following things are not cool:
#1: Suddenly deciding, with no warning whatsoever, that certain parking spaces on a particular city street-- which were formerly fair game for parking-- are suddenly off limits during specific but unclearly denoted times of day.
#2: Attempting to convey this policy through a series of hastily built signs that give conflicting information, point in no particular direction, and, for all I know, might have been put up after I'd already parked my car on said street.
#3: Upon discovering a car in (unbeknownst) violation of this policy, deciding not to merely give the offender a ticket, but to TOW THE DAMN CAR AWAY.
#4: Repeatedly insisting, when called at the impound lot by a befuddled driver, that you have no record of the car being towed, only to change your story after the owner has reported the car as stolen, thus wasting our time and the police's. No really, guys, I'm sure the cops had nothing better to do. There's never any crime in Baltimore.
#5: Charging an exorbitant amount of money to retrieve said car from impound.
Sirs or Madams, your kind example has inspired me to concoct my own policy. I call it the "Pauls Only" rule. At any given moment during the day, as I'm strolling along, I will suddenly declare (by loudly shouting "Pauls Only!") that anyone in the vicinity not named Paul is prohibited from walking on that sidewalk. If they were already on the sidewalk-- too bad! They're in violation! And if they protest that they were given no fair warning, I'll say, "Ah, but look, see where I scrawled the letter 'P' in chalk right here in the corner? How could I have possibly made the rule any clearer?" I will then demand that each offender pay me $300 before they may continue walking. And I'll glare at 'em, like, Yeah, I bet you learned your lesson, didn't you?
Tough but fair. It's city living, folks. Deal with it.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
TV: Thursday Edition (MK Style)
It seems like most networks have put their heavy hitters on Thursday as long as I can remember, for some reason. Why is that? Maybe because people are exhausted from a week of work, but it isn't Friday, when nobody who's anybody is at home watching TV. No, we're at home playing video games. There are a few shows on Thursday that I used to watch: Smallville (if it were about Superman anymore, I'd watch it, but it's a damn soap opera) and CSI (same show every week, only fun for about three years and at most one spinoff). But, what's left is great.
NBC Thursday night comedies (NBC, 8pm)
NBC's only got four comedies on the air, but they're all mashed together in the same two hour block... and they're all great. First, we've got My Name Is Earl, which was shut down for a while last year due to the star, Jason Lee, having chicken pox. Chicken pox is terrible when you're an adult, apparently, which is why many parents are having these "chicken pox parties" where they get lots of kids together with one kid who has the disease. Sounds good, except we have a vaccine, and chicken pox kills a few kids every year. Hey, parents... do your research before diseasing your kids.
Next up is 30 Rock, Tina Fey's Emmy winner. Tina Fey was the head writer for Saturday Night Live before she made this show, which ended up way funnier than SNL has been in the last ten years. Maybe doing all of your writing between midnight and 6AM in one day isn't the best way to go? The only bad thing about the show is that Tina Fey had a baby about a year before the show began. Raising a child while writing, producing, and starring in a show? I doubt I could keep a goldfish alive while doing that. But hey, we've all got our priorities.
At 9 we've got The Office, the American version of Ricky Gervais' British comedy. Some people believe the British version is better, but I have zero doubts that most of them have never seen a complete episode of the fantastic American version. The BBC America commercial even said, "The original is always the best," but that's just plain untrue. These are the same people who prefer Manhunter to Red Dragon. Manhunter was way worse, but it came first, so it must be better. Even Ricky Gervais himself says that ours is better. Period. Done.
Closing it all out is Scrubs, which used to be the funniest show on TV, but now that it's on right after 30 Rock and The Office, it can't really be called that anymore. It's a fantastic problem to have, since Scrubs was no better before the new guys came around, but there's just such a high concentration of funny, it gives it a little less impact. It's like this month, with video games. I'd normally be really excited about Trauma Center 2, but it's coming out within a week of Super Mario Galaxy, and the day after Rock Band. It's a good time to like video games and comedy.
Supernatural (9PM, CW)
The only show to legitimately scare me from time to time. The first season even had a message in the beginning asking you to turn out your lights, although I suppose that's gone because some kid has epilepsy and his parents are too busy to raise him, so they leave him in front of the TV, and then when the TV steers him wrong, they raise hell. It's even worse with video games. My guess is Tina Fey is involved somehow.
Also, Paul's complaint that it's too talky couldn't possibly be right. I don't think anything could be too talky for me. I'm all about the script. If it's poorly written, I'll go somewhere else, which is one of the reasons I'm recording this instead of CSI.
Big Shots (10PM, or 10:07 or something, ABC)
I believe I'm actually the only one who watches this, and I don't even give it my full attention. This is the type of show I watch while playing a game, like Picross or Puzzle Quest. Other such shows include The Apprentice and VH1's The Pickup Artist. You know, the kind that you don't really need to see to appreciate, and if you gave it all of your attention, you'd be wasting your time. I do that a lot. If I find two things that aren't entertaining separately, maybe they would be if I were to do them simultaneously? Like driving and talking on the phone with customer service, or eating and swimming.
And that takes care of the week proper. Join us next time for TV: Weekend Edition, because really, there's not too much spread out Friday through Sunday, especially now that I've cut Shark. Too much investigating, not enough Sharking.
NBC Thursday night comedies (NBC, 8pm)
NBC's only got four comedies on the air, but they're all mashed together in the same two hour block... and they're all great. First, we've got My Name Is Earl, which was shut down for a while last year due to the star, Jason Lee, having chicken pox. Chicken pox is terrible when you're an adult, apparently, which is why many parents are having these "chicken pox parties" where they get lots of kids together with one kid who has the disease. Sounds good, except we have a vaccine, and chicken pox kills a few kids every year. Hey, parents... do your research before diseasing your kids.
Next up is 30 Rock, Tina Fey's Emmy winner. Tina Fey was the head writer for Saturday Night Live before she made this show, which ended up way funnier than SNL has been in the last ten years. Maybe doing all of your writing between midnight and 6AM in one day isn't the best way to go? The only bad thing about the show is that Tina Fey had a baby about a year before the show began. Raising a child while writing, producing, and starring in a show? I doubt I could keep a goldfish alive while doing that. But hey, we've all got our priorities.
At 9 we've got The Office, the American version of Ricky Gervais' British comedy. Some people believe the British version is better, but I have zero doubts that most of them have never seen a complete episode of the fantastic American version. The BBC America commercial even said, "The original is always the best," but that's just plain untrue. These are the same people who prefer Manhunter to Red Dragon. Manhunter was way worse, but it came first, so it must be better. Even Ricky Gervais himself says that ours is better. Period. Done.
Closing it all out is Scrubs, which used to be the funniest show on TV, but now that it's on right after 30 Rock and The Office, it can't really be called that anymore. It's a fantastic problem to have, since Scrubs was no better before the new guys came around, but there's just such a high concentration of funny, it gives it a little less impact. It's like this month, with video games. I'd normally be really excited about Trauma Center 2, but it's coming out within a week of Super Mario Galaxy, and the day after Rock Band. It's a good time to like video games and comedy.
Supernatural (9PM, CW)
The only show to legitimately scare me from time to time. The first season even had a message in the beginning asking you to turn out your lights, although I suppose that's gone because some kid has epilepsy and his parents are too busy to raise him, so they leave him in front of the TV, and then when the TV steers him wrong, they raise hell. It's even worse with video games. My guess is Tina Fey is involved somehow.
Also, Paul's complaint that it's too talky couldn't possibly be right. I don't think anything could be too talky for me. I'm all about the script. If it's poorly written, I'll go somewhere else, which is one of the reasons I'm recording this instead of CSI.
Big Shots (10PM, or 10:07 or something, ABC)
I believe I'm actually the only one who watches this, and I don't even give it my full attention. This is the type of show I watch while playing a game, like Picross or Puzzle Quest. Other such shows include The Apprentice and VH1's The Pickup Artist. You know, the kind that you don't really need to see to appreciate, and if you gave it all of your attention, you'd be wasting your time. I do that a lot. If I find two things that aren't entertaining separately, maybe they would be if I were to do them simultaneously? Like driving and talking on the phone with customer service, or eating and swimming.
And that takes care of the week proper. Join us next time for TV: Weekend Edition, because really, there's not too much spread out Friday through Sunday, especially now that I've cut Shark. Too much investigating, not enough Sharking.
Monday, November 19, 2007
TV: Wednesday Edition (Classic Flavor)
Wednesday's a pretty light day. I gave up on Bionic Woman ("We own your body!" "No you don't!" "Do this for us!" "Fine!"), and I don't really count Lost as a Wednesday show right now. That'll be featured in TV: Midseason Edition. Well, if it still shows up this year thanks to The Strike. Let's hope.
Pushing Daisies (8PM ABC)
Paul's right. This is a great show about a man given the power over life and death. But who was it given by? "No one in particular," the narrator tells us in the pilot, and atheists such as myself don huge smiles. I'm a big fan of atheists on television, and we need more of them. It turns out that atheists are the least trusted people in America. There's no group people would like their kids to marry less than atheists. The average American parents would rather their daughter end up with a homosexual than with me or Paul. Me, I can understand; I'm a douchebag. But Paul? Have you no heart?
Criminal Minds (9PM CBS)
And here's one where Paul and I disagree. I think this is a great show about figuring out how complete psychopaths think. It's the closest thing television has to Silence of the Lambs, each and every week. This season isn't as good as past ones, though, thanks to the abrupt departure of Mandy Patinkin. He quit Office Space style, meaning he just... didn't show up to work one day. Apparently, he did that before, on Chicago Hope. How he continued to get work after that, I have no idea, but now that he's proven it's a pattern? This guy's done. Him and Isaiah Washington. Wait, Isaiah Washington DID get another job? And it was on Bionic Woman? Well then, looks like we've come full circle.
Pushing Daisies (8PM ABC)
Paul's right. This is a great show about a man given the power over life and death. But who was it given by? "No one in particular," the narrator tells us in the pilot, and atheists such as myself don huge smiles. I'm a big fan of atheists on television, and we need more of them. It turns out that atheists are the least trusted people in America. There's no group people would like their kids to marry less than atheists. The average American parents would rather their daughter end up with a homosexual than with me or Paul. Me, I can understand; I'm a douchebag. But Paul? Have you no heart?
Criminal Minds (9PM CBS)
And here's one where Paul and I disagree. I think this is a great show about figuring out how complete psychopaths think. It's the closest thing television has to Silence of the Lambs, each and every week. This season isn't as good as past ones, though, thanks to the abrupt departure of Mandy Patinkin. He quit Office Space style, meaning he just... didn't show up to work one day. Apparently, he did that before, on Chicago Hope. How he continued to get work after that, I have no idea, but now that he's proven it's a pattern? This guy's done. Him and Isaiah Washington. Wait, Isaiah Washington DID get another job? And it was on Bionic Woman? Well then, looks like we've come full circle.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Face/Off
I know you're all waiting for me to resume (the avoiding of) giving my opinions on fall television, but there's a more pressing matter at hand. Recently, I had my face taken apart. Also, I am indeed serious.
See, my nose had two problems. The first is that it never worked correctly. I've been breathing through both it and my mouth all my life, never getting quite enough air. I've also always had the worst sense of smell of anyone I know, but I always just assumed that was the tradeoff for my superhuman eyesight. Oh, and I never cared for food. My tongue works just fine (ladies), but since smell is so strongly linked to taste, I couldn't really tell the difference between cheap stuff and good stuff. As I've said before on several occasions, if I could charge myself like a battery, I'd skip food entirely.
I went to an ear, nose, and throat doctor with my concerns, and he took the long scope and checked me out. He then asked if I had injured it as a child or something, because MAN, it was bad in there. What should've looked like a straight line looked like a treble clef. Stuff was bent and coiled and there was even a cyst blocking one of my nostrils. He explained that what he'd have to do is basically take stuff out, straighten it, and put it back in. Hey, I'll be asleep; do what you must.
The second problem is a bit more obvious: the thing was huge. I mean, it wasn't what doctors refer to as a "clown nose" (and I do mean that - it's a term that I heard more than once), but it stuck out quite a bit. Dad called it "regal," because he's not very good at this. It's bothered me ever since I was in middle school, so I've been kicking around the idea of doing something about it for maybe ten years. Everyone knows I'm not the biggest fan of plastic surgery, but I'm very comfortable with the fact that I'm not doing this to hide my age or chase an impossible standard of beauty or look like the people on the tee-vee. It was very prominent, noticeable, and totally not what I wanted. After brushing my teeth, when I spit the water out, it'd hit the tip of my nose straight on. Think about that. And I had to drink canned soda sideways.
The ENT doctor referred me to a plastic surgeon for those needs, which is great, because they knew each other and did tag-team surgeries together. I made an appointment to see him, which was very different from your traditional doctor's visits. It was a 4:30 appointment, and when I showed up, I was sent to the exam room immediately. About two minutes later, seriously, he was in there. There's no waiting when you're doing something elective; you get SERVICE. Rhinoplasties usually just make the nose look smaller, but he explained that we'd actually make mine smaller, because, damn.
So, the big day arrived on November 1, and I was at Howard County General at 7:50am. My aunt Sarah is a nurse there, so she hooked me up with a good anesthesiologist. One of the great things about Kelehans is that we've got people everywhere, nurses in particular. So, I go under, they open me up, and hey, it's even worse than they thought in there. I was under the knife for five hours. I've played Trauma Center, and it's taught me that surgeries usually last about three minutes, so this was SERIOUS. I don't know if you've ever been under general anesthesia, but the cool thing about it is you totally lose that time. I was up on the operating table, they started the IV, and I immediately wake up 6 hours later and see Aunt Sarah.
Recovery took a few days, and wasn't fantastic. First, I threw up all over the living room floor. I warned mom by saying, "Vomit vomit vomit vomit!," but she couldn't get a receptacle to me in time for the first wave. Ironically, it looked like all I threw up was the anti-nausea stuff, so I guess that worked. My nose was full of packing and tubes, which wasn't very comfortable, and it was pretty hard to breathe. It didn't help that my left nostril was entirely scabbed shut, and my right was on its way. But the worst part was that I couldn't lie down, because if I did, I'd bleed into my head and die Elephant-Man-style. Since I had to breathe entirely through my mouth and I couldn't lie down, I was in a cycle of two hours awake followed by one hour asleep for the first couple days. By the time I felt well enough to actually watch a movie, I had to split them into as much as three parts. And guess what? Apocalypto still isn't great even with painkillers.
The surgery was on a Thursday, so that following Monday I got the stuff out of my nose. Very painful procedure (the numbing agent can only be applied AFTER everything is pulled out), but once it was out, things were way better. I was back at work (at the secondary office job) the very next day. Within a couple days, my splint was off, I was breathing, and I could actually smell and taste things for the first time. Why don't you guys eat apple pie all the time? It's awesome. I still looked like I got in a fight, and performed poorly in said fight, but that's been getting better every day, until now when I'm almost completely healed.
At the next followup appointment, the ENT doctor was very impressed by how fast I'm healing. He says that the never smoking or drinking does wonders for the body. I should add that it makes painkillers much more effective. Also, there's no god. See, studies have been done that people who are prayed for, and know about it, heal SLOWER than those who are prayed for and don't know about it and control groups. When you accept responsibility for your body, well, things just work out better.
Okay, so how's she look? Good, I say. It's shorter. Done and done. It's not a huge, dramatic change. It's not something you'd even notice from the front if I didn't mention it. And that's the whole point. You used to notice. Now you don't. It goes with the rest of me quite nicely. When someone first meets me, their impression is no longer, "Mike's got a big nose, and he's a douchebag," but it also won't be, "Mike's got a great nose, but he's a douchebag." Now, it's just, "That Mike's a real douchebag," and that's exactly what I want.
Well, not exactly, but you see my point.
See, my nose had two problems. The first is that it never worked correctly. I've been breathing through both it and my mouth all my life, never getting quite enough air. I've also always had the worst sense of smell of anyone I know, but I always just assumed that was the tradeoff for my superhuman eyesight. Oh, and I never cared for food. My tongue works just fine (ladies), but since smell is so strongly linked to taste, I couldn't really tell the difference between cheap stuff and good stuff. As I've said before on several occasions, if I could charge myself like a battery, I'd skip food entirely.
I went to an ear, nose, and throat doctor with my concerns, and he took the long scope and checked me out. He then asked if I had injured it as a child or something, because MAN, it was bad in there. What should've looked like a straight line looked like a treble clef. Stuff was bent and coiled and there was even a cyst blocking one of my nostrils. He explained that what he'd have to do is basically take stuff out, straighten it, and put it back in. Hey, I'll be asleep; do what you must.
The second problem is a bit more obvious: the thing was huge. I mean, it wasn't what doctors refer to as a "clown nose" (and I do mean that - it's a term that I heard more than once), but it stuck out quite a bit. Dad called it "regal," because he's not very good at this. It's bothered me ever since I was in middle school, so I've been kicking around the idea of doing something about it for maybe ten years. Everyone knows I'm not the biggest fan of plastic surgery, but I'm very comfortable with the fact that I'm not doing this to hide my age or chase an impossible standard of beauty or look like the people on the tee-vee. It was very prominent, noticeable, and totally not what I wanted. After brushing my teeth, when I spit the water out, it'd hit the tip of my nose straight on. Think about that. And I had to drink canned soda sideways.
The ENT doctor referred me to a plastic surgeon for those needs, which is great, because they knew each other and did tag-team surgeries together. I made an appointment to see him, which was very different from your traditional doctor's visits. It was a 4:30 appointment, and when I showed up, I was sent to the exam room immediately. About two minutes later, seriously, he was in there. There's no waiting when you're doing something elective; you get SERVICE. Rhinoplasties usually just make the nose look smaller, but he explained that we'd actually make mine smaller, because, damn.
So, the big day arrived on November 1, and I was at Howard County General at 7:50am. My aunt Sarah is a nurse there, so she hooked me up with a good anesthesiologist. One of the great things about Kelehans is that we've got people everywhere, nurses in particular. So, I go under, they open me up, and hey, it's even worse than they thought in there. I was under the knife for five hours. I've played Trauma Center, and it's taught me that surgeries usually last about three minutes, so this was SERIOUS. I don't know if you've ever been under general anesthesia, but the cool thing about it is you totally lose that time. I was up on the operating table, they started the IV, and I immediately wake up 6 hours later and see Aunt Sarah.
Recovery took a few days, and wasn't fantastic. First, I threw up all over the living room floor. I warned mom by saying, "Vomit vomit vomit vomit!," but she couldn't get a receptacle to me in time for the first wave. Ironically, it looked like all I threw up was the anti-nausea stuff, so I guess that worked. My nose was full of packing and tubes, which wasn't very comfortable, and it was pretty hard to breathe. It didn't help that my left nostril was entirely scabbed shut, and my right was on its way. But the worst part was that I couldn't lie down, because if I did, I'd bleed into my head and die Elephant-Man-style. Since I had to breathe entirely through my mouth and I couldn't lie down, I was in a cycle of two hours awake followed by one hour asleep for the first couple days. By the time I felt well enough to actually watch a movie, I had to split them into as much as three parts. And guess what? Apocalypto still isn't great even with painkillers.
The surgery was on a Thursday, so that following Monday I got the stuff out of my nose. Very painful procedure (the numbing agent can only be applied AFTER everything is pulled out), but once it was out, things were way better. I was back at work (at the secondary office job) the very next day. Within a couple days, my splint was off, I was breathing, and I could actually smell and taste things for the first time. Why don't you guys eat apple pie all the time? It's awesome. I still looked like I got in a fight, and performed poorly in said fight, but that's been getting better every day, until now when I'm almost completely healed.
At the next followup appointment, the ENT doctor was very impressed by how fast I'm healing. He says that the never smoking or drinking does wonders for the body. I should add that it makes painkillers much more effective. Also, there's no god. See, studies have been done that people who are prayed for, and know about it, heal SLOWER than those who are prayed for and don't know about it and control groups. When you accept responsibility for your body, well, things just work out better.
Okay, so how's she look? Good, I say. It's shorter. Done and done. It's not a huge, dramatic change. It's not something you'd even notice from the front if I didn't mention it. And that's the whole point. You used to notice. Now you don't. It goes with the rest of me quite nicely. When someone first meets me, their impression is no longer, "Mike's got a big nose, and he's a douchebag," but it also won't be, "Mike's got a great nose, but he's a douchebag." Now, it's just, "That Mike's a real douchebag," and that's exactly what I want.
Well, not exactly, but you see my point.
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